Busting the web jargon – an amusing analysis of web-speak

Busting the web jargon – an amusing analysis of web-speak

I’m delighted this week to share a guest blog from a super-interesting guy who knows about all things technical and web-wise. What sets him apart is that he genuinely understands the language and knowledge divide that makes it so hard for many business owners from taking brave technology steps in their business. The inimitable Stuart Morrison takes a light-hearted look at web jargon.

Busting the web jargon – an amusing analysis of web-speak

So you sit down with your tech guru, master of all things web and ask him (it’s usually a him) something simple like “Can I have my phone number and email address at the top of my website?

His response usually begins something like this, “You need to deploy virtual archives with state-of-the-art vertical web implementation and relational documents using Bayesian arrays to overcome the end-user deployment interfaces and enable virtual architectures to deliver a dynamic interface“. You may have lost the will to live, but they then go on like that for another 10 minutes and you’re not even sure the person in front of you is even speaking English anymore.

It’s a frustration a lot of website owners have, understanding exactly what they have just been told. Why can’t website designers just use normal words and explain things so a business person can understand them?

Well hopefully I can change all this and give you “11 Jargon Busting WebTech Translations or The Beginners Guide to Webspeak”. We start with an impenetrable phrase you may have heard and then “de-jargonise” it and tell you what your Web Designer is talking about. Please note: some or all of it may be made up for demonstration and entertainment purposes.

1) “Maximize real-time relationships” – I’ll work quickly and do something, maybe even today, I just have to finish this level on Angry Birds. Just keep hitting refresh in your browser and when I’ve done it you will be the first to know.

2) “Disambiguate development technologies” – I’m going to explain to you how something I understood back when I was 11, works. I’ll speak very s.l.o.w.l.y in an easy to understand, simple way, probably using a drawing that my 5 year old niece would understand. This may take some time, but here goes.

3) “Deploy interface metrics” – Email you website stats for your “Ebay for carnivores” website eat-meat-its-yummy-auction.com. Hopefully I can disguise how few visitors are coming so you won’t see how poorly your website is actually performing and thus encourage you to give me some more work. Nom noms!

4) “Author-generated solutions” – Get you to write a blog post or some content for your website, not that I haven’t been trying for the past 6 months with reminders gently encouraging you to send me something, anything to add to the empty shell of a thing you call a website.

5) “Upscale back-end archive technologies” – make it easier for your visitors to find older blog posts, despite the fact that you’ve not written anything since before 2005 and even then is anyone really going to want to read about your holiday to Rhyll? It’s probably best left forgotten, it’s certainly not going to win any literary prizes or indeed bare any relevance to your HR Consulting business.

6) “Integrate interactive metadata” – Allow you to add your name to a blog post and change it if you want, which is something I suggested 11 months ago but you have only just delivered “an affirmative collaborative decision matrix.” so we can now begin.

7) “Scalable collaborative relational platforms with usable design preserving design functionalities that transition human/computer indexes” – Social media.

8) “Maximize open-source documents for maximising co-operative work” – Putting your documents on the web so others can edit them, also known as “the cloud” or “cloud computing”. This is where you share your documents so they can now be overwritten, deleted and generally screwed with by people across your entire organisation.

9) “End user, machine generated, auto delivered, cross platform, email documentation providing negative feedback functionalities of low quantifiable relevance” – Spam, also known by your marketing department as “inbound marketing”.

10) “Implement more effective back-end distributed fiscal benchmarking to optimize for synthesized local harmonic relationship functionalities.” – Please pay my latest invoice or your website gets switched off. It’s always good to remain on speaking terms, even if you are not sure what the Web Tech is actually saying.

11) “We have actualized the Web 2.0 implementation of granular marketing collateral” – They just launched your website! What you doing reading this, go, go, GO!

Websites and the Internet can generate huge amounts of confusion and “analysis paralysis” but you have to remember it’s just a marketing channel, just try to communicate with your market, in a way that is relevant to them, at a time they are interested in your services and you won’t go far wrong.

If you want someone to explain anything to do with websites or web marketing then speak to our guest blogger Stuart Morrison, the moustachioed, website problem solver who can help you find what you need to fix in your business. Contact him via his Mr Metric website: www.mistermetric.com


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